David was the oldest twin, my first son that I witnessed come into this world. We were unaware of the mutliple health conditions that he was born with. After spending the first six weeks of his life fighting to live, he came home to my loving arms.
After eight weeks, he became sick again, went back into the hospital, left this earthly existence in my arms for heaven one day before he and his twin brother Jonathan would have been four months old.
Nothing prepares you for the death of an infant. Nothing prepares you to lose one twin and have the fear that the other might die. David was always smiling. His eyes large and full of wonder as if he knew his time on this diminsion was limited. He went through so much in his short life, and as a mother, I constantly feel the guilt that he suffered before he died.
The guilt that I didn't let go sooner. As a mother, you don't want your child to suffer; however, how can you live with the fact that you have to let them go? I once heard that before we are born, while in another state of existence, we choose our parents. If that is true, then I am truly blessed that David chose me to be his mother for the short amount of time that he was here.
In my heart of hearts, there are times when I feel his presence. I can smell him, feel the softness of his cheek against mine and it is those times that my heart grieves and rejoices at the same time.
For anyone who has lost a child, an infant son, a twin, I know your pain. I'm sorry that we are in this exclusive club. Know that I am here, I understand. May you be able to allow memories to sustain you. I bid you peace.